Sonic 4 – Video Game Review

Dedicated to Peyton, a bad ass fan of this site.

Update: According to people that are actually good at video games, Sonic 4 can be beaten in an hour or less. I don’t have any thumbs and am cocked eyed so you can understand my frustration while playing this game.

Save your money. Go home and shove your hand in the garbage disposal. Same experience.

Lets take all the fun out of the game and show the fans how much we really hate them.

Team Sonic cleverly drafted a marketing campaign that took everything you loved about the original Sonic games and repeatedly had it thrust in your face. Meanwhile in their consortium of evil, they unleashed their horrific plans. Gathering everything that ever frustrated gamers and caused them to weep uncontrollably from anger and frustration to the point of throwing their controllers at their televisions, they blended it together and smeared it on Sonic 4. Collision detection issues, enemies that pop out of freaking no where while you’re running so you lose all of your coins, making it almost impossible to jump into the Special Zone ring at the end of levels after collecting 50 rings, etc… The dark sorcerer that leads Team Sonic must have popped about 10 boners at the thought of making this game in all its horribleness. After making the game the team punched a pregnant woman then kicked a puppy into a lake of fire or so I would believe because its in alignment with how cruel they are.

Nice visuals. My eyeballs threw up on themselves.

Gamers love hi res graphics. Lets get rid of that.

I’d like to believe this game was a mistake. The real Sonic 4 is somewhere out there lost and all alone in the woods or something and is probably crying. This Sonic 4 is its evil twin that was created by having a giant douche bag consume all of the hatred for mankind then squatting down to let it slither from its nether region onto your gaming console. The graphics are sub par. Actually, they suck. If you think otherwise then you must think the Sonic 3d Blast intro is from the motherfucking future. They could have done a better job. Team Sonic knows it, I’m sure. Maybe they were trying to rush the product or they just don’t really give a shit and have better things to do then worry about the quality of their games.

I could replace all the words on this page with one that would accurately describe this game. Poop.

Doctor Motherfucking Robotnik

The first opinion I had of his difficulty level was “this is like taking candy from a baby, except not as enjoyable”. As the game went on his difficulty launched itself on to a platform where the only shimmer of success faintly glowed in an abyss of madness. You have a better chance of kneeing yourself in the chest then defeating him on the first try. I know its not rocket science and the auto target feature helps but when the Boss is right about your reach like in the Maze final stage then it gets kind of annoying. Yo have to wait for pillars to slide out of the walls so you can jump and attack him. I’d have to say Robotnik is actually the worst boss in a game. If you think you’ve played against shittier bosses then let me know.

Don't worry, the game doesn't really contain images of nutsacks. The game as a whole is a giant nutsack full lame sauce.

Not really worth the purchase.

To sum this review up. Sonic 4 is like playing with a wet turd and seeing how long you can keep it in your hands while it slips from your grasp. From a distance, people think you are having fun with something awesome, but upon closer inspection, they realize its Sonic 4 and its a turd. Buy it and experience its lameness for yourself or find a friend who already wasted their money on it and get their opinion.

Another word for Poop is Shit, which this game is full of.

You don’t have to purchase this game to experience it; just go into a public restroom at a cheap Mexican restaurant and look in the last stall with the sign “Out of Order”. You’ll find the contents that make up this game smeared on the walls and floating around in the toilet.

What do you think about Sonic 4? Leave your comments below.